Friday, September 2, 2011

September 2nd!!!!!!!!

So, I have been swamped and yes I am making excuses, but today is a brand new day and it shall stop today! I am setting up reminders on my cell phone for every day at the same time to do my challenges. Each of my challenges do not take more than 30-45 minutes a piece and I am going to stagger each one for a different time of the day so I am less likely to hit the ignore button on my cell phone once all the challenges/quests are going on at the very same time. I am in hopes that this will help me to stick to this month of change for me. September will be the month of change for the better! Say it, Believe it, Achieve it! I've claimed it and so it is!

Today the Reiki Course starts again and I am so looking forward to being a part of the group as a support system for the new students. While it isn't mandatory for me to do the assignments for the Reiki course since I am a CPPBR (certified practitioner of prayer based reiki), I have decided that for my highest good, it would be best that I do the assignments again. The first time was a challenge because I had a lot of releasing and acceptance to do. Hard to do that when you aren't done with the grieving process. It is a process after all and there is no time limit or dead line to get it done by, so I have been grieving since March 20, 2010. Hit with that double whammy on April 11, 2010.  I didn't realize how much I really endured until I sat down just now to think of what all I had to go through.
It just doesn't seem "natural" to be there planning your older sister's funeral (she was only 38) while you are trying to hold it together for a mom who has been ill for years and she is going through emotional turmoil over getting divorce papers the day before her oldest daughter passed away. On top of that, I came home on two occasions and my mom was passed out because her sugar had gotten too low. I beat myself up still that I didn't make her go to the ER or that I didn't call 911 to come the second time. I keep saying "if I had just made her go then she would have been one week ahead on antibiotics for the pneumonia we didn't know she had and then she would still be here" how shitty is that. The guilt that I have for being in such shitty emotional/physical/mental state that I couldn't see past the immediate days leading up to my sister being put in the ground that I missed my mom being deathly ill. Then my mom running a high fever and being told that she had the flu, H1N1 and pneumonia. It was the pneumonia that ultimately put her in ICU to the point that even life support wasn't sustaining her. Never once did I ever think I would be in the position to say that someone needed to come off life support because any further treatment would just be torture. It would have been selfish to keep my mom on life support and put her on Ecmo (extracorporeal membrane oxygenation). Ecmo being a last resort and it would have probably only kept her alive for a little bit longer. I know in my heart of hearts that my mom died of a broken heart. Broken because her husband left her and then filed for divorce, because her husband left her on the day that her youngest daughter got back from the trip of a lifetime to New York City (her first trip without family and a milestone for her) and then getting the divorce papers and then the final hammer hit to the nail in her heart was losing her oldest daughter without warning. My sister passing made my momma's will to live no longer really there. I thought that when Justice was born that she would have stuck around forever for him. I know that is naive to think, but I had hoped that Justice gave her a new reason to live. She was pissed at us for letting them take her right foot one toe at a time. By the time she came out of the fog of morphine, she had a below the knee amputation.  She felt like a burden on everyone, but once she saw my boy, her face lit up again. Losing my sister drained her of that joy that she got from Justice. I know that neither of them would leave Justice on purpose, but I feel so blessed that they got to experience him and that he got to have them for the 15 months that he did.  Dealing with all of that while Justice's father was being less than helpful and not paying child support. I so didn't and never would have thought that this is where my life would lead and these would be the trials and tribulations that I would have to endure to learn a lesson, but this is where I am and honestly, while writing this I have been brought to tears, which tells me that I still have some releasing, grieving and growing to do from these lessons.
So with that, it is almost time for the Reiki Webinar and I will post in the Reiki tab after the class is done.

No comments:

Post a Comment