Monday, September 12, 2011

Monday! 9/12/11

With all the September 11 shows on tv last night, I struggled seeing all the pictures and videos of that day. It isn't something that I will likely ever forget. I know exactly where I was and what I was doing and I remember who was around and everything. While I am blessed that I wasn't there in that tragedy, I felt sadness, anger and pain for the people that went through that ordeal. The 9/11 memorial is quite beautiful. It is so nice that the loved ones that didn't get a body to bury have a place they can go and visit. I know it would be hard for me if I didn't have the cemetery to go and sit and be with my sister. It is hard just having my mother in an urn and not having a place to go and talk to her. Today is a brand new day and we were all blessed to awaken to the glorious morning that God has provided. I have to keep reminding myself that giving it to God isn't about  giving him everything and not remembering the heartache and pain that I have endured in the last year and a half, but it is about taking the burden off my heart of the hurt and replacing that with the happy memories of my sister and my mother. I want to be that person of happiness and joy for me and my son. He needs to know that loss, while it is painful because that means that you truly loved that person and to love is to be Godly, doesn't mean that the person that leaves this earth isn't still with us.  Such a beautiful thought to know that my mom and sister are still around me and Justice. I feel their presence every now and then. Then my son looks at me and asks me with his innocence where they are and he asks to see them. I ask him to show me the pictures on the walls where he sees my mom and sister. He does and does it so proudly. I just pray that he will remember them because they loved him so much. Almost as much as I do!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Friday - September 9, 2011

God is Love.
This has been my mantra and most certainly that has grown stronger within me this week.  Tuesday was the start of the 21 Days Challenge and I am caught up and on track. I feel blessed to have been given the opportunity to stretch my leader abilities and give them a go for the first time. I feel honored to have such wonderful women in my group and grateful to Brooke for believing in me.
Friday of last week was the beginning of the Reiki course and while I am behind on posting information there, I feel so connected to this new group of students and reconnected to those in the class that were in my last back in July-August. This renewed sense of purpose has grown inside me and I know I was meant to be here right now doing exactly what I am doing and learning and teaching just as I am. God is Good!
I have stalled on the 30BBM, but rest assured that this too will be a challenge that will not defeat me! I have started and by golly I will finish! With that, this is just a kind note since the posts I make to individual pages are published, but no messages are sent out. I hope this is something that Blogger is working on.
I hope you all have a blessed and wonderful weekend. May your spirit be lifted and your faith restored. May you wrap your arms around your child and embrace the love that you were blessed with and as my Sandye from Halos says, "think about it".
Love and Belief,

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

September 5th!

Ok, so I am a day late and a dollar short. But, guess what .... I am here! Yesterday I was having a Steel Magnolias moment and I needed to get my emotions together. Today I am playing a bit of catch up since the things I wanted to accomplish yesterday didn't happen. My mother's birthday really hit me hard and I am not sure why other than perhaps I was pushing those feelings down and back so that I wouldn't have to deal with them at that moment. Yesterday, well those feelings decided that no matter where I was or what I was doing, it was time to release. So much for keeping it together at work.
With that being said, today is a brand new day and it is time to get it on and poppin! Challenges and quests to be started and met with great enthusiasm and want.
I challenge you to experience along with me as I delve in to my own journey and uplift my son and myself with prayer and ever growing knowledge and faith.

Blessings and love,

Friday, September 2, 2011

September 2nd!!!!!!!!

So, I have been swamped and yes I am making excuses, but today is a brand new day and it shall stop today! I am setting up reminders on my cell phone for every day at the same time to do my challenges. Each of my challenges do not take more than 30-45 minutes a piece and I am going to stagger each one for a different time of the day so I am less likely to hit the ignore button on my cell phone once all the challenges/quests are going on at the very same time. I am in hopes that this will help me to stick to this month of change for me. September will be the month of change for the better! Say it, Believe it, Achieve it! I've claimed it and so it is!

Today the Reiki Course starts again and I am so looking forward to being a part of the group as a support system for the new students. While it isn't mandatory for me to do the assignments for the Reiki course since I am a CPPBR (certified practitioner of prayer based reiki), I have decided that for my highest good, it would be best that I do the assignments again. The first time was a challenge because I had a lot of releasing and acceptance to do. Hard to do that when you aren't done with the grieving process. It is a process after all and there is no time limit or dead line to get it done by, so I have been grieving since March 20, 2010. Hit with that double whammy on April 11, 2010.  I didn't realize how much I really endured until I sat down just now to think of what all I had to go through.
It just doesn't seem "natural" to be there planning your older sister's funeral (she was only 38) while you are trying to hold it together for a mom who has been ill for years and she is going through emotional turmoil over getting divorce papers the day before her oldest daughter passed away. On top of that, I came home on two occasions and my mom was passed out because her sugar had gotten too low. I beat myself up still that I didn't make her go to the ER or that I didn't call 911 to come the second time. I keep saying "if I had just made her go then she would have been one week ahead on antibiotics for the pneumonia we didn't know she had and then she would still be here" how shitty is that. The guilt that I have for being in such shitty emotional/physical/mental state that I couldn't see past the immediate days leading up to my sister being put in the ground that I missed my mom being deathly ill. Then my mom running a high fever and being told that she had the flu, H1N1 and pneumonia. It was the pneumonia that ultimately put her in ICU to the point that even life support wasn't sustaining her. Never once did I ever think I would be in the position to say that someone needed to come off life support because any further treatment would just be torture. It would have been selfish to keep my mom on life support and put her on Ecmo (extracorporeal membrane oxygenation). Ecmo being a last resort and it would have probably only kept her alive for a little bit longer. I know in my heart of hearts that my mom died of a broken heart. Broken because her husband left her and then filed for divorce, because her husband left her on the day that her youngest daughter got back from the trip of a lifetime to New York City (her first trip without family and a milestone for her) and then getting the divorce papers and then the final hammer hit to the nail in her heart was losing her oldest daughter without warning. My sister passing made my momma's will to live no longer really there. I thought that when Justice was born that she would have stuck around forever for him. I know that is naive to think, but I had hoped that Justice gave her a new reason to live. She was pissed at us for letting them take her right foot one toe at a time. By the time she came out of the fog of morphine, she had a below the knee amputation.  She felt like a burden on everyone, but once she saw my boy, her face lit up again. Losing my sister drained her of that joy that she got from Justice. I know that neither of them would leave Justice on purpose, but I feel so blessed that they got to experience him and that he got to have them for the 15 months that he did.  Dealing with all of that while Justice's father was being less than helpful and not paying child support. I so didn't and never would have thought that this is where my life would lead and these would be the trials and tribulations that I would have to endure to learn a lesson, but this is where I am and honestly, while writing this I have been brought to tears, which tells me that I still have some releasing, grieving and growing to do from these lessons.
So with that, it is almost time for the Reiki Webinar and I will post in the Reiki tab after the class is done.